Years ago, I was substitute teaching for a 4th-grade class. It was the end of the day and while most students had gone home, I had several students still waiting on their bus to arrive.
I asked the students to join me in each picking up 5 items from the floor (wads of paper, pencils, books etc.) to surprise their teacher with a clean and organized room for her return the following day.
What a great feeling that would be, not only for their teacher but for themselves!
The kids at first seemed on board with the idea but then The WIFM syndrome reared its ugly head.
“Can we have jolly ranchers? How many can we have if we help pick up? Miss Smith keeps them in her desk!”
“Oh gosh”, I replied. They sure sound good but Miss Smith didn’t give me permission to go in her desk and get the candy so I won’t be able to give you any.”
“Well then we aren’t helping!”
And with that, the kids marched off and refused to help clean up.
I call this The WIFM syndrome- What’s In It For Me?!
I was so sad and even bewildered that the kids were not willing to help without receiving something in return.
Do we really need to give in order to get?
Entitlement is becoming an increasingly major social issue. It is robbing our children (and even many adults) of the ability to form good, intrinsic values; to become internally motivated; to feel and experience internal satisfaction; to be generous; to be grateful; to be responsible and even to be accountable.
You may be saying, “Yes, I agree, but my kids actually get things done when I reward them. Even my child’s teacher has a marble jar. For every good day they have, they get to put marbles in the jar and then when it is full, they get to have a pizza party.”
I can understand how this seems to be an effective approach in the moment but it is a bandaid and bandaids are temporary.
What happens when the child does not want or care for stickers anymore? What happens when the child ups the ante demanding more? Sounds like a form of extortion to me.
What message are we sending our kids by relying on rewards (bribes) to control their behavior?
Parents, you are not alone if you are yearning for your children to be more cooperative; to listen more; to contribute at home without a constant battle, and to show empathy and compassion (even to their siblings).
I wonder what would happen if you shifted your focus to building your relationship with your child vs. on trying to control your child?
What would it feel like and be like if you felt connected to your child and most importantly if your child felt connected to you?
It is in these moments that magic happens.
Do you want more magical moments in your life with your children and your family?
I can help!
Reply to this e-mail and let’s schedule time to connect.
Or feel free to call at your convenience. If I am unable to answer, I will return your call shortly thereafter.
Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.