10 Tips for Helping Children Cope with Grief, Loss and Trauma
Published in the Roswell Neighbor Newspaper May 2, 2012
Tragic events occur every day. Receiving the devastating news that someone close to you has died whether from illness, accident or even suicide can be extraordinarily painful and difficult to cope with. No one is immune from experiencing tragedy and many who are affected by such traumatic circumstances are children. When a child is affected by tragedy, we are often at a loss as to how to help. Below are ten tips to help children with the healing process of grief, loss and trauma.
1- Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and work through your own emotions so that you are more effectively able to help your child. I often hear, “I need to be strong – I should not be crying or feel so much anger.” Recognizing and allowing yourself to accept and express your feelings will help to make you strong and will enable you to help others with their grief.
2- Allow, even encourage, your children to express their emotions. Provide your children with a safe and secure environment to release their feelings. Do not try to make their pain go away by telling them it will be okay or that they need to “get over it”. Their pain will lessen the more they are able to feel their feelings and know it is acceptable to do so.
3- Provide creative outlets for your child to release their emotions. The following ideas provide wonderful opportunities for your child to express their feelings in a safe and non-threatening manner.
• Coloring
• Drawing
• Molding Clay
• Writing
• Story-telling
• Running
• Playing tether-ball
• Wrestling
• Playing house
• Singing
Participating with your child as much as possible is ideal!
4- Recognize there are many different coping styles. Depending on your child’s overall temperament style, some children will cry, some will show anger, others will withdrawal, some may show regressive tendencies and some may express their grief through “acting out” behavior. It is important to help a child to release their feelings in a healthy and acceptable manner. If a child is showing anger by hitting the family dog or kicking her brother, guide your child to replace this unacceptable behavior with a more acceptable outlet such as hitting “the angry pillow”. Although the behavior may be unacceptable, the emotion should always be accepted.
5- Comfort your child. Children need to feel loved more than ever during such difficult times. There is nothing like a good ol’ bear hug to help your child feel safe and secure. Physical touch such as holding your child, rubbing their back, or simply snuggling together can be very soothing, helping your child (as well as yourself) to relieve stress and anxiety.
6- Listen to your child. Give your child your full attention when they are talking to you. Many children will want to tell what happened many times over. It is important not to get frustrated with your child. This is one of many coping mechanisms and will help your child to process what has happened and will help them to deal with their pain. If your child does not want to talk, encourage the use of other expressive outlets as in step #3 and participate in the activity with your child. Reading fictional stories about loss or using age-appropriate television shows as a catalyst to discussion is often effective in stimulating conversation about what has happened.
7- Answer children’s questions honestly with age appropriate responses. The younger the child, it is best to answer with simple and limited responses. There is no reason to share details that could paint a grim picture of the tragic event. Your child will let you know if they are not satisfied with your response by asking more questions.
8- Maintain a normal schedule and routine as much as possible. Children’s stress levels decrease dramatically when they know what to expect.
Continuing with a typical day of school, activities, play time with friends, meal and bed time is important to help a child feel secure and maintain a healthy balance of his emotions.
9- Create a support system– Let other caring adults that are close to your child know what is going on. Family members, friends and especially your child’s teacher can be very instrumental in providing the emotional support your child needs during such a difficult time. Asking for feedback will also help to reassure you as to how your child is doing when you are not able to present with her.
10-Allow time to be a major part of the healing process- Not only does everyone grieve differently, but everyone also heals at their own pace. There is no magic in how long it should take a child to grieve. Some children will process their pain and emotions and be able to “move on” rather quickly while others may seem “stuck” in the moment taking a much longer time to process the event and release their emotions.
*Seeking professional counseling should always be considered especially if your child has been directly affected by the loss of a family member or someone very close to her.
© 2014 Sharon Egan M.S., CPC
Sharon Egan, M.S., CPC is an ACPI Certified Parent Coach and is also an Educational Consultant. Sharon resides in Roswell, GA and is sole-proprietor of What Now? Parent Coach. She is passionate about helping parents build strong and healthy connections with their children so fun and laughter are abundant in the home. Sharon can be contacted at 404-432-1590 or by e-mailing her at sharonegan@whatnowparentcoach.com. You can also visit her website at www.whatnowparentcoach.com.