KIDS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

Can you remember a time when you had a bad, rotten day?  What was that like for you?
When you are feeling down, angry, hurt, frustrated etc. what do you need in those moments?

Do you need someone to tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you are feeling; to tell you everything you should have done; to tell you what you should do now or for someone to fix the situation for you?

Or do you need someone to listen to you; to hear what you are saying; to understand how you must be feeling?  AND to simply let you have your moment???

Exactly! And the same goes for your children.

“But I thought I was listening!?!” many parents tell me.

COMMON SCENARIO-Does this sound familiar to you?

Molly came home from school and dropped her barely eaten lunch on the ground as she entered the door. With big gumdrop tears in her eyes and shoulders hunched, Molly sobbed struggling to get the words out-
“They are so mean!” “I hate school! I wont ever take my lunch again!”
Mom immediately rushed to find out what had happened at school and why she was feeling so sad.

When Molly told her that the other kids made fun of her for having smelly tuna fish for lunch and even worse that she smelled too, mom quickly swooped in and tried to make her day all better:

“Everything will be ok, Sweetie. I am sure they didn’t mean it.  Tuna fish is delicious and you love it.  Just ignore them if they say those things to you again and don’t let them bother you.  Now let’s wipe those tears and go play.”

At that moment, Molly swiftly moved away from her mother’s touch and ran to her room crying.

An hour later,

Johnny came home slamming doors throwing his backpack on the ground.

“I hate school!  Mrs. Smith is so mean.  She made me have silent lunch just because I forgot to do my homework.  How stupid is that?!”

Mom jumped right in- “Well, she has rules to follow.  You know that if you don’t do your homework, you will get put into silent lunch. I asked if you had homework and you said you didn’t.  Why did you lie? If you would do your homework like your sister, this would not have happened.  Now go inside and get it done and I don’t want to find out that you didn’t do it again!”

“You just don’t get it!  You never take my side!”
Johnny stormed upstairs and slammed his door.

In both scenarios, Mom was left feeling bewildered, frustrated and even angry.  What did she do?  What did she say? After all, mom felt she was being caring and supportive of Molly and teaching a lesson to Johnny.  What were Molly and Johnny feeling and thinking in that moment?
What did mom do that was so upsetting to the kids?
What would an effective response sound like?

A great question to ask yourself is:
“Do I listen to respond or do I listen to understand?

The mother in the above scenarios tried to comfort Molly by telling her everything would be ok and by trying to teach Johnny a lesson by telling him what he should have done. Situations like this often trigger painful emotions for parents.

(By the way, who are these situations more painful for- the child? or for you, the parent?)

A parent’s natural instinct is to jump into “fix it” mode in order to make the pain (and situation) go away, to make everything all better and to teach the child one of life’s many lessons.
However, and all too often, parents unintentionally dismiss the child’s feelings by explaining, lecturing, rationalizing and/or telling the child what to do instead of simply being there to let the child spill out their BIG emotions.
When this happens, communication shuts down, disconnect is created, and the child learns emotions are not acceptable thus does not learn to express emotions in a healthy manner.

Children, like the rest of us, need a safe place to open up, to be vulnerable, and to know that someone else “gets it”; that someone understands what they may be feeling.
Your child needs you to listen and to acknowledge what they are experiencing BEFORE the situation is addressed from a problem solving approach (which they may not even need or want!).

LESS IS MORE!

The following responses will open up communication and help to create connection.

“Oh sweetie, that must have been a yucky day for you.  I can understand how hard that must have been for you.  It’s ok to cry.  I’m right here.”

Or

“That does stink.  It must have felt awful to be put in silent lunch.  I can understand how that made you feel so angry.”

Taking the time to listen, to hear and to understand does NOT mean that you agree with the child or that their choices or behavior was appropriate.  It simply means that you understand how your child could have the feelings they have.

After all, wouldn’t it stink to have someone make fun of your lunch or to have to sit in silent lunch?