“That’s not fair!” “I don’t want to do my homework!” “I’ll do the dishes later!”
Oh, the ever beloved power struggle. Pushing boundaries and testing limits may be a normal part of growing up but dealing with this behavior can be enormously frustrating and the end result is far from a warm and fuzzy feeling all over.
What are power struggles? Power Struggles are two people trying to get their needs met. They are not personal; they reflect people’s needs to have control over their life. As the adult, it is your responsibility to model healthy communication that does not invite power struggles into your relationships. Below are some tips to help eliminate power struggles from conversations with your children:
1- Be Proactive– Give advanced warning of limits, expectations, plans, etc. Children are much more likely to be cooperative or comply with a request when they know what to expect and are not demanded to jump into immediate action.
2- Respond vs. React– Take a deep breath, count to ten, even take a bathroom break in order to stay calm and in control before responding to your child.
3- Disengage- Do not discuss the content of the argument- this will only add fuel to the fire and give your child more power.
4- Listen–Acknowledge-Validate– Be respectful of your child and listen to his point of view. Acknowledge his feelings and let him know his feelings are valid. (Understanding your child’s point does not mean you agree.)
5- Use simple responses- The Love and Logic Ò Institute refers to this as “going brain dead”. Repeating statements such as, “I know”; “nice try”; “probably so”; or even saying “I love you too much to argue” defuses arguments and helps to keep you in control.
6- Give your child choices- the more choices a child is able to make each day, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you, (ex. peanut butter or turkey for lunch?) the more in control your child will feel and the less she will feel the need to take control through power struggles.
7- Determine areas of compromise- (Pick and choose your battles!)- Battles over clothing, bedroom, hairstyle, and even what time homework is done will only lead to bigger and more costly power struggles later.
8- Be Consistent– When your child realizes that you say what you mean and mean what you say he will learn to use healthier means to problem solve other than resorting to the once powerful power struggle.
Eliminating power struggles CAN be accomplished. If you want to see change in the way your child communicates with you, you MUST be willing to change how you communicate with your child.
© 2014 Sharon Egan M.S., CPC