Are there days you feel like you’ve got this? And other days you feel as if it is an insurmountable task? No matter what kind of day you (or your child) are having (and there will be both!) below are a few key tips to ensure you are on the right track to raise your child so their spirit thrives, complete with a healthy dose of confidence and resilience.
Believe, TRULY BELIEVE, in your child.
Everything we do and everything we say sends loud and powerful messages to our kids. If you are always there to remind your son to pack up his homework at days end, cut his meat at dinner, pick out his clothes or complete (or even do) the history project, what are your beliefs about your child? What message are you sending him? What message is he receiving?
Or perhaps you aren’t the type of parent to do things for your child but you know that if you don’t stay on top of your child, nothing will get done! Does this sound familiar? You may have even told your child (just once or twice!)… “If you would only ________________, I wouldn’t have to nag you all the time.” And you do this all out of love, of course, and because you believe in your child, right? Or do you? I wonder what your child would say?
“The exhausting cycle of constantly monitoring their work and performance…. Makes children feel less competent and confident.”- Elizabeth Kolber
Kids believe about themselves what they believe what you believe about them. You may be thinking, “Of course I believe in my child!” And if so, that’s great! My challenge to you is to confirm what you believe. Get Curious! Ask your child what they think you believe about them. Their answer may just give you a peek into what they are thinking, feeling and why they are behaving the way that they do!
Love your child UNCONDITIONALLY.
When kids are their “neediest” and least lovable is when they need connection and love the most.
Having raised 3 children, I get it- when you are mad or frustrated, let’s face it- sometimes it’s just easier to yell, threaten and dole out the warnings. Or maybe you just want to give your child the cold shoulder hoping that will teach her a lesson! But, isolating or giving her the silent treatment creates instant disconnect teaching her that your love is conditional on her acting a certain way eroding away at her confidence.
Letting your child know you love her but that it is the behavior that is in question, will help to maintain the needed connection. When your child feels her relationship with you has not been compromised it is then she will be more able, willing and ready to learn and try to take risks whether it is tackling that math problem, jumping into the pool for the first time or even mastering chores and tasks.
Set the stage for success through encouraging words.
All too often we tend to focus on when our children fail or what they do not do well at. We truly, yet mistakenly believe, that our words of wisdom will encourage them to take the necessary steps and improve. But nothing can be more from the truth. Over time, if our kids are hearing more of what they can’t do, what they are not good at and what they have done wrong, their brain becomes wired to believe this thrusting them into the “why should I try? I never do it right, anyway” cycle. I wonder how many times in a day do we point out what our kids could be doing better?!
Experiment and take notice of what your children have done well at. Then tell them so in VERY SPECIFIC words (questions work well, too):
“You jumped in the pool today without swimmies on! Look at you!”
“Wow! You got 8 out of 10 math problems correct on your quiz! How did you do that?”
“7:00 am, up and dressed and ready to go! Nice! Great way to start the day!”
Help your child build life skills.
When I was a child, my father taught me to paint the interior of our home (and thankfully he managed to look beyond the mistakes and the substandard work I initially provided).
Not only did I learn a skill that I have used many times over, but it gave me the confidence to want to learn more AND it provided me a chance to do something with my father. And the best part- we had fun together! I even wrote on a chalkboard in our home, “Tis the painting season to be jolly!” which was left untouched for years!
What can you teach your child or have your child be in charge of?
No matter the task or skill at hand, make sure to:
- Include your child in the decision making process
- Have reasonable and age-appropriate expectations
- BELIEVE in your child’s abilities
- ENCOURAGE your child’s efforts.
